Sunday, January 12, 2014

New website

To my six followers, this post is for you! I'm converting to a new platform for my blog and I've already posted a new entry that I haven't posted to facebook or otherwise shared! So you are privy to some new shit here where you are getting, like, insider info. Here is the link to my new blog: (drumroll....)

www.theyogalawyer.com

please come check it out! I'll be updated and adding stuff a lot over the next few weeks and beyond. 

Friday, December 20, 2013

Confronting the Anger Demon

I decided to team up with my friend Monica Stone and post my latest blog to her new 'yogi movement" website. Check it out!
http://www.theyogimovement.com/2013/12/19/confronting-the-anger-demon/

Friday, December 13, 2013

Boomerang

Kali pull back your bow
and let my lover know
the depth of my love,
Your love.
Projected on lover
projected on me,
and back to the Source.


Kali thrust through our hearts
and let Your magic start
to permeate the Earth,
Your Earth.
Where the will people sing,
like the birds and the trees,
one Song.

Tuesday, November 19, 2013

I want the world, I want the whole world



I have an issue with patience and the immediate fulfillment of my desires.

For example, I currently have the desire for a cellulite-free ass. And I want it now.

Don’t laugh, I have a medical condition. Just ask my chiropractor. He refers to it as “flabby-ass syndrome.” Now it creeps into my mind daily ever since he brought it up.

Basically, he told me in passing and in a non-specific way that he sees a lot of women suffering from “flabby-ass syndrome.” He says they do cardio exercise and are thin but have flabby asses. He and his chiropractor friends have all seen it and discussed it at their chiropractor conference and they recommend lots of squats.

I thought to myself while he was telling me about it, “that is interesting, I would hate to be one of THOSE women with flabby-ass syndrome.”

Then, a few days later, K, who sees the same chiropractor, randomly brings up that he was telling her about flabby-ass syndrome too. He essentially gave her the same spiel as me: that he and his chiro friends have all seen it, blah blah blah.

But when he told her the story, he added, "Between you and me, some of your yoga friends have it."

What the wha?! He didn’t mention that last part to me!! Wait a second, do I have flabby-ass syndrome??

Holy shit, I do. Fuck. Now I gotta get my fat ass in shape. The problem is I don’t really feel like waiting until I can do a million squats. Isn’t there some sort of immediate treatment for this medical condition??
E seems to have an issue with patience and the need for the immediate fulfillment of his desires too. He’s had a few tantrums lately, brought on when he does not immediately get what he wants.
How do you teach a three-year-old patience? I remember what my parents tried. Whenever Daniel and I would scream about something that we wanted, my mom would sing, “You can’t always get what you want” (“but if you try sometimes, you might just find...you get what you need”) by the Rolling Stones. Car rides would often go like this:
Us kids: Mom, we want ice cream!
Ma: We aren’t going to stop for ice cream today, we’ve got to get home.
Us kids: But mom, we really want some!!
Ma: What would Mick Jagger say?
And then she would start singing. Or sometimes she didn’t have to. We were bested again by Mick.
So I learned the lesson that you can’t always get what you want, but you get what you need. Its not a bad lesson; and I see what my parents were trying to impart: patience and an appreciation for the fact that our basic needs were always taken care of.
Still, I think there is a better lesson to be learned than what my brain took out of that childhood experience: that life can be a bitter pill where we are forced to go around with unfulfilled desires.
I want to teach E a new lesson: That you CAN always get what you want, when you are patient and open to receiving your desires in inconceivable forms.
So I’ve been telling him just that, and showing him the clip of Veruca Salt’s “I want it now!” on YouTube. I think its having the desired effect. He’s learning that impatience can be a bratty feature and we are trying to reward him with what he wants when he waits.
He says, “Mommy can you show me the video of the girl who didn’t want to wait?”
I ask him, “Are you like that girl?” and he says, “No, I can wait.”
It is a difficult lesson for us adults too. I want what I want when I want it. Ram Dass talked about this phemonemon in a recent blog. He explained how he wanted to learn to meditate. So he used to force himself to attend meditation retreats, even though he didn’t want to do it and didn’t enjoy being there. Then he gave up. A few years later, he noticed he wanted to sit quietly for long periods of time. He was meditating, and it wasn’t an effort; he wanted to do it and it was easy. He says:
It has to do with timing. It’s as if our minds see in advance where we’re going, and then our mind-overkill makes us imitate where we think we’re going, which doesn’t give us a chance for our intuition to get us moving in a timely manner.
Its like our minds understand our desires; and, being the good servants that they are, want to help us fulfill our desires in ways that the mind can conceive of:
Mind: Oh you want to be a meditator? Well let’s go to classes and practice everyday and make you into a meditator!
When, in reality, once the mind let’s go of the form that the fulfilled desire will take (i.e. meditation classes), the desire (meditation) takes care of itself.
On a deeper level, if we are always looking ahead at our desires and getting “stuck” on the form of their fulfillment, then we are never in this moment; we are never enjoying the miracle that is life on Earth. Life is pretty fucking amazing. Just the fact that we exist and breathe and can talk and interact and eat and think is awesome when you take a moment to just observe life the way that small children do.
Einsten said: 
The most beautiful thing we can experience is the mysterious. It is the source of all true art and all science. He to whom this emotion is a stranger, who can no longer pause to wonder and stand rapt in awe, is as good as dead: his eyes are closed.
The Buddhist tradition of mindfulness is on the same wave. I’ve been digging the work of Zen Buddhist Monk Thich Nhat Hanh lately. I’ve been listening to his book, “The Miracle of Mindfulness.” In it he says,
I like to walk alone on country paths, rice plants and wild grasses on both sides, putting each foot down on the earth in mindfulness, knowing that I walk on the wondrous earth. In such moments, existence is a miraculous and mysterious reality. People usually consider walking on water or in thin air a miracle. But I think the real miracle is not to walk either on water or in thin air, but to walk on earth. Every day we are engaged in a miracle which we don't even recognize: a blue sky, white clouds, green leaves, the black, curious eyes of a child--our own two eyes. All is a miracle.
So what is mindfulness? Thich Nhat Hanh explains that when we do for the sake of doing, rather than as a means to an end, we are engaged in mindfulness. When that happens, there is no attachment to the fruit of desire; no karmic web is being woven. We are doing for the sake of doing, without thought of the reward. We are indifferent to the outcome and we see that all of our desires are ultimately fulfilled, without us having to “do” anything.
I realized I have been doing a lot of things as  a means to an end, rather than for the pure joy of doing. So I started to take Thich Nhat Hanh’s advice.
As a daily practitioner of yoga asana, I find I sometimes fall into the trap of doing asana as a means to an end; I perform the postures with the hope of accomplishing more postures. When I am on one posture, I am thinking about the next one, or thinking about how far I will go in my asana practice today.
So I’ve been slowing it down and practicing my yoga for the sake of practicing yoga, rather than a means to an end. Why am I practicing yoga every day if I don’t love it? And if I love the practice of yoga, then isn’t just doing it reward enough?
I want to experience the miracle of each moment of practice: the sound of my breath, the feeling of the movement of energy and prana in my body and in the room, the level of comfort or discomfort in my limbs in each pose, the feel of my mat rug on my fingers.
I also did this with my violin practice yesterday. I started playing violin a little over a year ago after noticing how moved I have always been by the sound of the instrument. I sometimes weep when I hear it. I’m not super good at it, and I often fall into the trap of practicing it for the sake of improving; for the sake of mastering the instrument.
Yesterday, I practiced violin because I love the violin. I love the way the instrument feels on my neck and the sounds it makes and the smell of the rosin and wood. That is why I weep when I hear violin music; because I love the violin. Not for the sake of mastery.
And yet, I am finding that by going through life this way, by doing for the sake of doing rather than as a means to an end, my desires are being fulfilled. My asana practice and my violin practice are improving without any effort.
Jesus described this phenomenon in his “sermon on the mount” (Matthew 6). He says to seek only God’s kingdom and that all else will be given to you.
“Seeking God’s kingdom” is another way of describing mindfulness; it is a way of describing the experience of life in the present moment. In the same sermon, Jesus says:
See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. 
In other words, the flowers live in the moment, without thought or worry about the next moment.
It is a way of surrendering the fulfillment of our desires to a higher power; of releasing attachment to the fruits of our actions.
I am reminded of the yogic hymn the “Guru Ashtakam.” In it, we sing about the fulfillment of countless desires: wealth, family, spouse, large house, mastery of yoga, etc. And then we say, “Manascenna lagnam, gurorangripadme, tata kim, tata kim, tata kim, tata kim” which means:
But of what consequence are all these, if the mind is not riveted in devotion to the lotus feet of Guru? Really of what use is all this, what use, what use?
It stands for the fact that we are never truly satisfied by our external desires. If we seek fulfillment in them, it will never be enough. When we get the bigger house, we desire an even bigger one. But when we enjoy life in each moment through "mindfulness" or "seeking the kingdom of God" or "standing rapt in awe" or the bhakti-yoga practice of guru devotion, we realize that all our desires are met; though perhaps not in the form we had initially envisioned with our minds. 

Yoga speaks to me. Particularly devotional yoga or “bhakti” yoga. Jesus speaks to others and Buddhism to others and countless other things to other people. They all seem to be saying the same thing:

Realize the pure miracle of this life in every moment.


Check out my new website for updated blog posts! www.theyogalawyer.com

#jesus #sermononthemount #Einstein #bhaktiyoga #mindfulness #Matthew6:33 #guruashtakam #flabbyasssyndrome #iwantitnow #verucasalt

Sunday, November 3, 2013

Damn you, Mercury!

Communication is a little bit disrupted right now. Mercury is in retrograde, so shit is all whack. The basic jist is that four times a year Mercury’s position is such that it appears to be moving backward from the Earth, or in “retrograde.” This means its influence is muted. Since Mercury controls communication, problems with communications arise during these times of year. Electonics are known to malfunction, there are misunderstandings and delays in travel. The general recommendation by those in the know is to avoid entering into new deals during Mercury in retrograde: don’t buy a new car or house, get married, sign a contract, etc. Mercury is in retrograde from October 21 - November 10, 2013.
The good news is that it is a great time to reflect; to re-evaluate life situations; to re-connect with old friends; to clean out the closet; and to detox.
For me, this one feels really intense. It feels like forward progress on my path is temporarily blocked. Like I’ve come to an impasse on a mountain hike and I have to take a minute to turn around and look backwards at where I have been in order to re-evaluate the best path to move forward.
It isn’t pretty. I’m seeing more clearly the way I am such an asshole sometimes. I seem to do all the things that I get mad at other people for doing. The trick, I think, is to have compassion for myself and forgive myself for being a douche. Because if I devolve into blaming and degrading myself, my ego is coming in through the back door; I’m doing to myself the things I am mad at myself for doing to others. If that makes any sense.
And what’s with all the parenting dilemmas? In addition to being an asshole in my everyday relationships, apparently I’m also fucking up my child. Just one example: He didn’t want to trick or treat for Halloween. He’s three and a half. He has no idea that trick or treating is even fun. He was too sick to do it last year, and the year before that he was too young. But I know its super fun, and I really wanted him to do it and have fun. So when he wouldn’t, I got so mad at him. I told him that Grammy and Grandma and Grandpa were going to be upset with him too.
And he remembered. He asked Grammy with earnest several days later if she was upset with him because he wouldn’t trick or treat. I felt like such a douchebag - trying to manipulate him with guilt. Why am I putting my wants and needs on my three-year old?
Shining a light on my asshole-douchbaggeryness is having the side effect of making me feel like I have less to offer. What could I possibly teach others, through my writing or through my yoga, when I still have so much to learn myself? Now I realize that isn’t entirely true. At the same time, I see how I’ve acted so high and mighty and spiritual at times, when in reality I still get trapped and ego-deluded, just as those I have blamed for my problems. The problem isn’t that THEY are all assholes and douchbags, the problem is that I wasn’t evolved enough to see my own asshole-douchbaggery; I couldn’t see my own ego traps.
Wayne Dyer says,
All blame is a waste of time. No matter how much fault you find with another, and regardless of how much you blame him, it will not change you. The only thing blame does is to keep the focus off you when you are looking for external reasons to explain your unhappiness or frustration. You may succeed in making another feel guilty about something by blaming him, but you won't succeed in changing whatever it is about you that is making you unhappy.
I believe that to be true. And I think its hard to see it when you are knee-deep in whatever the drama of the time happens to be.
So now I am having a yard sale. Basically I looked around my house and saw that I am living a yet another hypocrisy: I teach others to let go and that material things are meaningless yet my house is a borderline “Hoarders” episode. I have been holding on to so many things, in part because I didn’t want to face the sadness associated with purging. Going back through all my old stuff was hard. A lot of it belonged to my brother, my father, and my grandmother, all who died of cancer during my adult life. Going back through it felt heavy and yucky.
So energetically, I know this is symbolic; this purging and letting go of old things. And it is such a good time to do it; while Mercury is in retrograde and things naturally take a step backward. The new moon is today, the weather is beautiful, and it feels like a new beginning. In a short time, Mercury will leave retrograde, and all will feel better again. Before it gets bad again, before it gets better again. Are we starting to see a pattern, Pema Chodron? She says:
“We think that the point is to pass the test or to overcome the problem, but the truth is that things don't really get solved. They come together and they fall apart.”

Ta-ta for now. I’ll try to be better about keeping in touch. I am thinking you don’t mind reading despite all my faults and shortcomings. ;)



Check out my new and improved website: www.theyogalawyer.com
#mercuryinretrograde #pemachodron #waynedyer #kalidasheart #spaceballs

Thursday, October 10, 2013

Poker morals and synchronicity

Bear with me a moment while I get a little deep. We will talk about poker and other fun things farther down the page. Last blog we talked about life as an individual quest of growth and evolution. Using that model, everyone we meet is a teacher because the teacher lives inside of us; the teacher is guiding us on our quest. In Eat, Pray, Love, Elizabeth Gilbert talks about this phenomenon, which she describes as the “Physics of the Quest”:

If you are brave enough to leave behind everything familiar and comforting (which can be anything from your house to your bitter old resentments) and set out on a truth-seeking journey (either externally or internally), and if you are truly willing to regard everything that happens to you on that journey as a clue, and if you accept everyone you meet along the way as a teacher, and if you are prepared – most of all – to face (and forgive) some very difficult realities about yourself... then truth will not be withheld from you.

Recently there have been some issues in the Orlando yoga community with the reality that many of our teachers are still learning too. Sometimes, they do things that are not very yoga-like. When they do, there can be disappointment and a feeling that we were “duped” by a false teacher or teaching. However, even false teachers can be enlightening. Remember that everyone we meet and everything that happens is part of our individual quest or journey.


In his book, Be Love Now, Ram Dass elaborates on this point:


As you meet beings along the path, you’ll come to sense who are your teachers, and who are teachings for you. Some teachers are obviously still working on themselves, and they feed you by sharing their experiences. Others serve as living examples of the detours and pitfalls along the way, which may help you reflect on how to get on with your own path. They become teachings for you, whatever the intention when you started out.


Also supporting that even false teachers can teach us, is the documentary, “Kumare.” In it, an American filmmaker with Indian ancestry impersonates an Indian guru, with the intention of undermining the idea of gurus and spiritual teachers. What he found was that his teachings nonetheless moved people. In the end, a majority of his students stayed with him even after discovering he was “fake,” because they had personally experienced an awakening. Of course, he learned the most of all, and the process of making the documentary became life-changing and eye-opening for him. This supports that perhaps it isn’t the teacher that is important. Perhaps the important thing is the teaching and the receptivity and readiness of the student to hear and integrate the teaching.


Who is it that gives the teacher the authority in the first place? Isn’t it the student? If the authority to accept a teacher comes from the student, then, on a higher level, isn’t it the student that empowers the teacher?


The teacher is inside of each of us.


So let’s talk about poker. On the most physical level, playing poker may mean trying to take other people’s money. Yet, on a soul level, everyone at the table is engaging in an exchange of energy; we are all sharing soul space and we are all on our individual soul journey or quest.


Maybe if I can sit at the table and just be a soul, recognizing the other souls at the table, each at different stages of the journey, while at the same time being indifferent to the outcome of each individual hand, then my poker play can become a way of serving and helping others on the path. It also is a way for me to grow and learn from other people because everyone we encounter can teach us if we are open to receive it. Everyone we encounter is part of our individual quest.


After having a deep conversation about some of this stuff with Peter on the way to play poker last Saturday, we had a spooky synchronistic experience with one of our tablemates, who happened to have had a very similar tragic life experience to Peter. When their shared tragedy came up, the poker player expressed almost verbatim the exact same sentiment and gratitude for the experience that Peter had expressed in the car on our way to play. It was eerie. The gentleman gave Peter a big hug and kiss on the forehead after they traded life stories at the table, and we knew that we were engaging in much more than a game of trying to take other peoples’ money. We were also furthering and sharing in our individual life quests. (After partaking in one of the most amazing, divinely-addicting, Vegas-style buffets).


So back to MY quest, since this is my blog. While being good at poker depends on skill, including knowledge of mathematics and odds, there is always an element of chance. Skilled play wins you money in the long run over time; but in the short run, you may experience lulls and long periods of boredom waiting for good cards.


Last Saturday I was getting frustrated with the waiting. I got up from the table and went for a walk to try to shift the energy. I was meticulously judging and going over each play I had made while berating myself and trying to figure out what I was doing wrong.


Then a child-like voice in my head said, “I know what I’m doing, I know how to play, you just need to wait!!”


At that precise moment, I looked up and noticed a man walking by. His shirt said in big letters, “Don’t rush me!!”


I laughed as I read his shirt and he gave me a look, like, “what’s so funny?”


I was like, “heh heh, nice shirt” and motioned a thumbs up.


I’m sure he thought I was really cool.

The next day while practicing my yoga postures, I felt a sharp pain in my left butt region. This is an onging saga between me and my ass-al region. I suffered a tear of my sacrotuberous ligament several months ago and the healing is slow-go. I came down to my mat and put one hand on my butt and one hand on my heart. I said to my butt, “what do you need, what can I do to get you better?”


I’ve been pushing myself lately to recover and have been feeling frustration that I still have pain and that I am not yet totally healed.


I heard a child-like voice in my head yell, “Don’t rush me!!”


I started to cry. Do I rush everything??


Patience maybe isn’t always my strongest virtue. I am learning. And I am taking everything that happens as part of the learning. 

It is no meaningless coincidence that the man with the shirt walked by at the precise moment I was expressing impatience. It is also no meaningless coincidence that both my butt-healing and my poker playing, along with probably countless other areas of my life, all are relying on my learning the same life lesson right now: Don’t rush me. I hear Taylor Dayne’s voice singing the song of the same title every time I think about it.


Psychologist Carl Jung wrote about the phenomena of synchronicity, and how messages and symbols from our dreams seep into our waking reality. There is a story he told of a patient lying on his couch discussing a dream about a scarab beetle while Jung glanced out the window. At that moment, a scarab beetle came in through the window. It made Jung realize that there is a synchronicity behind our lives; a guiding force that teaches us through coincidences and symbols. The beetle was an important symbol in this patient’s life, so much so that it appeared both while dreaming and awake.


The story of Jung reiterates my own belief in the quest. Everything that happens - every person we encounter, every circumstance, every moment - is part of the teaching when we have eyes to see and ears to hear. The song I hear over and over on the radio is teaching me, the numbers I keep seeing every time I glance at the clock are telling me something, the birds flying in sync say something - the trees, the wind, the homeless man at the park, the man at the casino’s shirt, the other players at the table - all have something to teach me.

Choke me in the shallow water before I get too deep.





#poker #yoga #carlJung #dontrushme #kalidasheart #kalidas

Monday, September 30, 2013

here I go again

You know that feeling when you say something you really you wish you hadn’t said, and you want to crawl into a hole?

Like that time when I was about 16 years old and working as a busgirl. One of the waitresses mentioned during prep smalltalk that her 2-year old daughter drinks tons of Gatorade. I didn’t know her very well but I admired her and my brain was ready to step in and add to the conversation.

I had heard a rumor just days before, not in a peer-reviewed journal article, but from a friend who had heard from a friend, that Gatorade causes cancer. So I responded with my new-found, super-trustworthy and poignant knowledge.

Here is the awful part: just as I heard the words coming out of my mouth in slow motion, “Gatorade causes can-cerrr……” I remembered that someone had mentioned that this particular wattress’ daughter suffers from a rare form of childhood cancer. In fact, the restaurant where we worked was holding a fundraiser to help pay for the treatment.

I felt like such an asshole. She was gracious and didn’t say anything or make me feel any worse; but I felt like a stupid, stupid jerk. For many years after that date, I would think about that moment and berate myself and cringe. Why did I say that? I say such stupid shit sometimes!

I have been feeling that cringe-y feeling consistently since writing my last amazing and magnificent blog. It seems I am attracting situations where I say something or do something out of my comfort zone, and my brain keeps playing the moments over again to remind me, and I guess train (?) me not to do it again.

Only I am failing at the training because I keep doing and saying more things that make me uncomfortable. And I am realizing that by putting myself out there, out of my comfort zone with my words and actions, I am living my most magical and wonderful life.

I didn’t realize until last week how much I had been avoiding that feeling of discomfort and  vulnerability.

So I’ve been sitting with it, rather than avoiding it. In the past, I tried my best to live in a way where I didn’t put myself out there; to avoid feeling it. I think avoiding those hard feelings is human nature. We like to come up with distractions to keep us from really feeling our feelings.

(Candy Crush doesn’t count - feel free to send lives and extra moves).

Louis C.K. recently talked about this tendency to avoid, and the beauty that lies in allowing ourselves to really feel our feelings:

I was in my car one time and a Bruce Springsteen song comes on. … I heard it and it gave me a fall, back-to-school depression feeling. It made me really sad, and I go, OK, I’m getting sad. I’ve got to get the phone and write ‘Hi’ to 50 people. … I started to get that sad feeling and I was going to reach for the phone, and I said, ‘You know what, don’t. Just be sad. Just let the sadness stand in the way of it. And let it hit you like a truck.’
I pulled over and I just cried like a bitch. I cried so much and it was beautiful. It was like this beautiful… it was just this… sadness is poetic. You’re lucky to live sad moments. And then I had happy feelings because when you let yourself feel sad your body has antibodies. It has happiness rushing in to meet the sadness. I was grateful to feel sad and then I met it with true, profound happiness. It was such a trip, you know?
The thing is because we don’t want that first bit of sad, we push it away…

I have pushed away my own uncomfortable feelings for a long time. I am seeing now how my avoidance of that feeling of discomfort and vulnerability has been standing in the way of my magnificence. I have been afraid to shine  because of the fear of putting myself out there and being rejected.  

And I think the positive response to my last blog is fucking with me a bit. Let’s face it, y’all probably aren’t all going to love everything I write or say all of the time. I have to be able to sit with that or I am going to miss out on the trove of riches that lay beyond that feeling of discomfort.

By that I mean, I believe that we are here on Earth as part of a personal journey of growth and evolution. Ralph Waldo Emerson said, “We are all inventors, each sailing out on a voyage of discovery, guided each by a private chart, of which there is no duplicate.”

We are here to find and heed to our individual quest, to find our personal treasure trove and be the best version of ourselves that we can be; we are here to grow and evolve and learn. By going deep into those parts of ourselves we avoid, deep into those unpleasant feelings of fear, sadness, discomfort, and vulnerability, we can unlock and uncover our individual magnificence.

Joseph Campbell, also speaking of this individual journey, said, “The cave you fear to enter holds the treasure you seek.” 

That cave is a metaphor for our own hearts. We must be willing to go deep into the parts of ourselves we fear and avoid and uncover the brilliance that lies underneath.






Check out my new and improved website: www.theyogalawyer.com

#pokerpro #yogalawyer #jedi #kalidasheart #kalidas #kelliHastings #yoga #Emerson