Sometimes I logically grasp a concept in theory, like the idea that everyone's path is right for them and we should let go of judgments, and yet, I still find myself heartbroken by my interactions with others.
I think emotions are stronger than the logical mind, and sometimes emotions refuse to be ignored. I spent a majority of my life ignoring my emotions, convincing myself it wasn't alright, for example, to feel sad when I got rejected. Instead, I would get angry and be mean right back: "That person doesn't deserve me anyway!" or "I'll give her a taste of her own medicine" or "I'm going to cut him out of my life because of the way he treats me." What I am finding now is that the old way of being doesn't work, because the emotion is still there. As I live my truth more and more, my emotions simply refuse to be repressed. And I am finding that by responding to a perceived withholding of love by withholding more love, I am creating more negative karma and dooming myself to living the drama of conditional love over and over again.
I find that on my path there are certain people and situations that trigger my drama. Like maybe we all have soul mate connections that are in our lives for the express purpose of triggering our emotional dramas so that the light of awareness can be shone on them and personal growth can occur. Why are we hear on Earth anyway if not to learn? My drama is my story of rejection, of hurt, of heart break. I imagine different people have different stories; and, in my experience, we continue to live out our stories over and over again in different forms until something clicks and we wake up. Kinda like Bill Murray in Groundhog Day.
Still, what do we do when we realize intellectually that on a certain level we are perceiving and creating our own drama, but on a different level our emotions are still making us angry or sad or guilty etc.? It makes me want to hole up and hide when I am caught up in my drama, and my emotions can be overwhelming even though my rational mind understands nothing is personal. This shit is hard sometimes.
So what do you do? I can tell you what I do. Whatever it takes to regain control over my mind and let the emotions work themselves out. In other words, I find it is my mind that torments me, not my emotions. It is my thoughts about the emotions, the judgments about the emotions that make me feel bad. My bitchy brain voice pushes, "What is your deal? Why can't you just get over it?" It becomes an internal struggle between her and the little kid inside that just wants to cry and hide until the pain is gone. I find that the emotions themselves aren't that bad; they are really just physical sensations that need to run their course. It is the mental chatter that really hurts.
The Yoga Sutras say that yoga is the cessation of the oscillating waves of thought. In other words, it is the quieting of the incessant internal dialogue that most of us are experiencing all day long. The quieting of the voice inside that insists on narrating everything that is happening in our personal mental movie, mostly in a mean-spirited, judgy, not-very-nice way. When I start to find my drama triggered and bitchy brain voice on high alert, I practice more yoga. Not necessarily yoga asana (postures or exercises) but yoga chanting, singing, breathing techniques, meditation, practicing my violin, walks in the woods, playing poker (yes playing poker!) - whatever takes me out of my mind and into the present moment; whatever reconnects me to the sensation that I am not a "separate" being, but an important, interconnected part of the Wholeness of Life.
You have to find your "yoga" - whatever it is for you that helps you reconnect to Life and get out of your head, while at the same time respecting your emotions enough to let them run their course. It may mean taking some time for yourself or removing yourself from a triggering person or situation until you have time to heal.
A side note on poker - what an awesome game! I hadn't played poker in several years but I found myself playing poker with my little-brother-from-another-mother this weekend for almost 13 hours straight. I discovered that good poker play is itself a yoga practice; a practice in going with the ebbs and flows of the game without getting mentally down by a bad beat or too excited about a great hand.
It is really a life lesson - all of life has ups and downs, wins and losses. I used to be bad at poker because I would let myself to go on "tilt" by a hand that didn't go my way - losing my cool and allowing the bad hand to affect my game for many hours or even days afterwards.
But it turns out that with poker, like all of life, if you can stay in the flow, in the moment - even when things don't go your way - and have patience, you will find yourself in position again to win with time. And it is harder to see the winning opportunities when you are still mentally telling yourself how unfair the last hand was. Just like in life - we sometimes miss opportunities because we are still caught up in our story of the "bad hand" that we were dealt yesterday. But if we can just enjoy the play for what it is without getting too caught up in the ups and downs, we can enjoy our wins more fully, and suffer our losses less.
Check out my new and improved website: www.theyogalawyer.com
I think emotions are stronger than the logical mind, and sometimes emotions refuse to be ignored. I spent a majority of my life ignoring my emotions, convincing myself it wasn't alright, for example, to feel sad when I got rejected. Instead, I would get angry and be mean right back: "That person doesn't deserve me anyway!" or "I'll give her a taste of her own medicine" or "I'm going to cut him out of my life because of the way he treats me." What I am finding now is that the old way of being doesn't work, because the emotion is still there. As I live my truth more and more, my emotions simply refuse to be repressed. And I am finding that by responding to a perceived withholding of love by withholding more love, I am creating more negative karma and dooming myself to living the drama of conditional love over and over again.
I find that on my path there are certain people and situations that trigger my drama. Like maybe we all have soul mate connections that are in our lives for the express purpose of triggering our emotional dramas so that the light of awareness can be shone on them and personal growth can occur. Why are we hear on Earth anyway if not to learn? My drama is my story of rejection, of hurt, of heart break. I imagine different people have different stories; and, in my experience, we continue to live out our stories over and over again in different forms until something clicks and we wake up. Kinda like Bill Murray in Groundhog Day.
Still, what do we do when we realize intellectually that on a certain level we are perceiving and creating our own drama, but on a different level our emotions are still making us angry or sad or guilty etc.? It makes me want to hole up and hide when I am caught up in my drama, and my emotions can be overwhelming even though my rational mind understands nothing is personal. This shit is hard sometimes.
So what do you do? I can tell you what I do. Whatever it takes to regain control over my mind and let the emotions work themselves out. In other words, I find it is my mind that torments me, not my emotions. It is my thoughts about the emotions, the judgments about the emotions that make me feel bad. My bitchy brain voice pushes, "What is your deal? Why can't you just get over it?" It becomes an internal struggle between her and the little kid inside that just wants to cry and hide until the pain is gone. I find that the emotions themselves aren't that bad; they are really just physical sensations that need to run their course. It is the mental chatter that really hurts.
The Yoga Sutras say that yoga is the cessation of the oscillating waves of thought. In other words, it is the quieting of the incessant internal dialogue that most of us are experiencing all day long. The quieting of the voice inside that insists on narrating everything that is happening in our personal mental movie, mostly in a mean-spirited, judgy, not-very-nice way. When I start to find my drama triggered and bitchy brain voice on high alert, I practice more yoga. Not necessarily yoga asana (postures or exercises) but yoga chanting, singing, breathing techniques, meditation, practicing my violin, walks in the woods, playing poker (yes playing poker!) - whatever takes me out of my mind and into the present moment; whatever reconnects me to the sensation that I am not a "separate" being, but an important, interconnected part of the Wholeness of Life.
You have to find your "yoga" - whatever it is for you that helps you reconnect to Life and get out of your head, while at the same time respecting your emotions enough to let them run their course. It may mean taking some time for yourself or removing yourself from a triggering person or situation until you have time to heal.
A side note on poker - what an awesome game! I hadn't played poker in several years but I found myself playing poker with my little-brother-from-another-mother this weekend for almost 13 hours straight. I discovered that good poker play is itself a yoga practice; a practice in going with the ebbs and flows of the game without getting mentally down by a bad beat or too excited about a great hand.
It is really a life lesson - all of life has ups and downs, wins and losses. I used to be bad at poker because I would let myself to go on "tilt" by a hand that didn't go my way - losing my cool and allowing the bad hand to affect my game for many hours or even days afterwards.
But it turns out that with poker, like all of life, if you can stay in the flow, in the moment - even when things don't go your way - and have patience, you will find yourself in position again to win with time. And it is harder to see the winning opportunities when you are still mentally telling yourself how unfair the last hand was. Just like in life - we sometimes miss opportunities because we are still caught up in our story of the "bad hand" that we were dealt yesterday. But if we can just enjoy the play for what it is without getting too caught up in the ups and downs, we can enjoy our wins more fully, and suffer our losses less.
Check out my new and improved website: www.theyogalawyer.com
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